Evolution

Remarkably little is known about the evolutionary history of Quasels. It is common belief, however, that the word evolutionary in the previous sentence already implies a history, making the word history entirely unnecessary. Likewise, the word entirely in the now previous sentence contributes very little, unlike the word likewise, which at least gives the impression that something important has just been established.

Where were we?

Ah, yes. Scientists have struggled for decades to place Quasels within the general tree of life. No one was there, apart from the Quasels themselves. This explains why no convincing evolutionary diagram has ever been published showing crocodiles gradually turning into Quasels before branching off into penguins and ornamental grasses. Several attempts were made, but eventually abandoned, mostly on aesthetic grounds.

Quasel legends tell us a great deal about shape and eye count but reveal remarkably little about Quasel origin, development, migration, migraine, or culture. Hence there is considerable disagreement within the scientific community. Even my granny didn't believe in Quasels—until she discovered she shared 98% of her DNA with them.

What can be said, with some caution, is that Quasels almost certainly did not begin in their most complex form only to evolve backwards into simpler ones. Instead, the available evidence (including fossilised holes) suggests a gradual increase in shape ambiguity, eye count and resistance to being counted. The illustration below therefore represents one possible sequence by which one form may have developed into the next, without claiming that this is necessarily what happened—or indeed that anything happened at all.

Dating these events has proved equally challenging. Dating apps are particularly useless for that purpose. Highly respected experts believe the entire process took place in less than seven seconds. Other, no less highly respected experts maintain that Quasels existed long before the Big Bang and merely allowed it to happen out of politeness. Both views are supported by an impressive body of evidence, none of which has been discovered so far. If you find any clue, let us know.